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In July of 2020 I made eye contact with myself in the mirror for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime. We all brush our teeth, brush our hair, check out our outfit in the mirror every day, but how often do we stop and look ourselves in the eye? When I did, I couldn’t believe what I saw. An exhausted “old” woman was staring back at me! Who the fuck was she??? Who was this woman who had so much pain in her eyes, who looked like she hadn’t slept in years, who couldn’t smile at herself, who couldn’t believe what she had become? I cried. And cried. And fell to my knees on the bathroom floor. That reflection scared the shit out of me … that woman staring back at me wasn’t ME - that wasn’t my face, those weren’t my eyes, nor my frowning face. Right? I was this happy-go-lucky fireball that was always smiling, laughing and loving towards everyone around me. Where was she at? Where did she go?
That day I broke down. That reflection broke my heart. I had fallen so far from the woman I always believed I was. The light I had always felt shining bright inside of me was barely a flicker … I was disappearing, dying while there was still breath in my lungs and blood pumping through my heart. At that moment I understood what it was to die while you were still alive. Then, this small voice whispered, “I am STILL HERE.” Tears poured down my face. I stood back up and looked in the mirror and I could see her, she was still there … behind the pain, the shame, the fucking unrelenting voice that said I deserved this. Behind all of that, there she was, just waiting for me to see her. I clasped my hands together and prayed for a way out. I asked my mom, my guides, the Universe, Source, God, anyone that was listening to please help me! I couldn’t do it by myself … I needed Divine intervention to guide me. I had to give up thinking that I had to do it all, that it was all up to me. I gave the reins back to God, to the Universe and said, “Help me, please! This isn’t the life I want, this isn’t the way I want my kids to grow up, this isn’t me living my truth, this isn’t sharing my gifts with the world. This is misery, darkness and it’s killing everything in me that feels beautiful, magical and inspirational!”
Less than 2 months after this plea for help, a catastrophe happened FOR me that shook up my whole life! Everything was “gone” in the blink of an eye and I had to pick up the pieces of my life and put them all back together. The pain was so horrific and so overwhelming, but I made it through. I had faith, unwavering faith, that the Universe had my back. The transformation that came from this has shaped the woman I am today. The woman that wears her scars proudly, that doesn’t judge her past choices and knows the depths she went to in order to find herself again! I have learned so much and will continue to learn, evolve, and level up! I hope to help other souls find this level of peace, clarity and joy in their lives too! Like a phoenix from the ashes, I fly renewed and embodied in my truth ...
I started my journey to self-discovery when I was 20 years old. I was struggling with my health internally, but looked healthy. I wasn’t having a regular cycle and my doctor told me my blood work looked good and that I should just go on birth control, so I could force my body to have a cycle. Intuitively this sounded all wrong to me. Why would I force my body to do something that it was supposed to be doing on its own? Why didn’t my doctor want to know why it had stopped? What would happen after I didn’t want to be on birth control anymore? The reality for me was that I knew birth control was off the table as an option. I knew that it went against my body chemistry and flow; I would never take it under any circumstances. So, my next best option was to find out WHY my body had stopped having a cycle and fix it. A year and a half later, I was on my fifth doctor and exhausted by the medical profession. Not one doctor was willing to look deeper into why my cycle had stopped; instead they offered birth control, fertility drugs, or suggested I just accept that I would be infertile by the time I was 24. Finally, the fifth doctor listened to me as I pleaded for her help to get to the bottom of the issue. She thought about it for a few minutes and told me that what she thought was possibly going on fit the symptoms, but didn’t fit “me”. She said I was young, active, in great physical shape but that it was possible that I had polycystic ovaries (PCOS) and the only way to know for sure was through an ultrasound. A week later, I was getting an ultrasound and staring at a monitor full of these little black dots wondering what the hell I was looking at! Turns out my ovaries were FULL of cysts; it was confirmed, I had PCOS. I cried the whole drive home … fearing all my eggs were gone and that I would never have children! I prayed in that moment to find a solution, I knew in my heart that I was meant to be a mother, so there had to be a way out of this. There had to be a way to heal!
I was so grateful that this doctor thought outside of the box and took the time to consider what it could be that was throwing my cycle off. Now that I knew what was going on, it was time to figure out how to fix it. I have never been big on medication and this situation was no different. The conventional options weren’t going to work for me. I didn’t want to do more damage to other organs (like my liver or kidneys), and wasn’t ready at that point to have kids. I was left to find a way outside of Western medicine. Thankfully, my mom had heard about an acupuncturist in town that helped heal naturally through acupuncture and herbs. I figured it was worth a shot. This was the first time I had ever experienced a medical professional taking longer than five minutes to listen to me, to hear me out, to build rapport, to get a whole look into my life in order to understand what was going on. I clearly was living a lifestyle that was causing my body to fall out of alignment. We talked about what I was eating, my physical activity and my family life. It was such a great experience to be heard and cared for …
He taught me that estrogen feeds cysts, that I was consuming too much estrogen and it was feeding the overgrowth in my ovaries. I made dietary changes to decrease my estrogen consumption and continued with my active lifestyle. Fast forward one year, I went for another ultrasound and guess what? NOT A SINGLE CYST in sight! I cried again, tears of pure joy … I couldn’t believe my eyes. The doctor had told me that this would be a lifelong ailment and that I would have difficulty conceiving or not be able to conceive at all. I couldn’t believe that changing my diet and having some acupuncture and herbal treatments would heal me. I had no idea my body was THAT amazing! I was truly astonished at my body’s ability to heal, and so grateful that I trusted my intuition enough to know that there had to be a better way.
Several years later, my son was a year old and I was struggling to work out, walk up a flight of stairs, or even down the hallway. I saw stars any time I exerted myself, and with a one year old that was pretty much all day every day! Sleep seemed to drain me more, and sometimes I would lay in bed with my heart racing so fast that I could hear it in my ears. It was like my heart was running miles, but my body wasn’t moving with it. In my head, I thought I had asthma, or a tumor in my throat that was causing pressure on my trachea, or cancer - my mind was racing just as fast as my heart!
The doctor examined my throat and found an inflamed thyroid. Before that moment I had never heard of a thyroid and had no idea what this thing did and why it was causing so much hell for me. They ordered blood work immediately. Within a day or two, I received a call straight from my doctor saying he had scheduled me for an appointment with a specialist for the following day because my numbers were dangerously high. I had no idea what that meant, but figured it was pretty damn bad if they had got me in the next day to see a specialist (we all know that usually takes weeks if not months to do). My heart was already racing on its own, so this anxiety just made it all worse.
I met with the endocrinologist and got the “numbers” explained to me, and the severity of my condition. I was diagnosed with Grave’s Disease, an autoimmune disease that made my thyroid hyperactive. It was approaching levels that would cause a thyroid storm and even death! So imagine his reaction when I told him, “No, thank you” when he gave me my list of prescriptions that I would need to take immediately. His jaw literally dropped and he asked what I planned to do. I told him I trusted that my body had the power to heal and that I would be discussing this with my acupuncturist before I did anything else. He told me that it was “my business if I choose to die from this”, instead of following his advice and taking toxic medication that would cause liver damage AND kill off my thyroid. I refused to do more damage to my body than what was already being done.
So I excused myself from his office and made an appointment with my acupuncturist. He understood the severity of the situation, and could visibly see some of my symptoms: extreme weight loss and a hand tremble that never stopped! He explained the numbers a little more deeply to me, as well as what an autoimmune disease was. I felt confident in learning about what my body was going through versus being in fear of the symptoms. He assured me, "We can heal this!" I had to commit to a vegan (plant-based) lifestyle and complete some acupuncture and herbal treatments. Again, I trusted my body and his guidance. Within 15 days, my hand tremble was GONE and my heart palpitations were significantly decreased. I was so happy to see this progress and trusted whole-heartedly that my body could be healed naturally. All it needed was the right tools to do it; the foods that would heal, not injure my body further and a mindful practice that would help me tune into myself.
Two years later, I gave birth to my second child full-term with no complications or health issues. All of my numbers had returned to normal ranges, my symptoms were gone, my thyroid back to normal size/shape. I had done it again; healed myself naturally from something that was supposed to be a lifelong issue … something that if I hadn’t fixed would have killed me. It is amazing what you're willing to do to save your own life. I changed my whole diet overnight because I refused to poison my body with medication, and it worked! I have since maintained my plant-based diet and I feel great! I am amazed at what the human body is capable of and how it is your body’s BEST pharmacy … it knows exactly what to do to maintain health, we just have to pay attention and give it what it needs to heal.
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